5 Steps to Stop Thinking About the Past (in a Healthy Way)

It happened to me again today. For no apparent reason, and before I could catch myself, my mind was lured down a rabbit hole of painful memories, ruminating about scenes from last year, when someone did me wrong.

After the reality-based memories came the alternate-universe fantasies of what I could have said or done differently.

Meanwhile, my heart and stomach felt like they were being wrung out like a cloth. I felt shame for having betrayed myself, by leaving myself so vulnerable, and anger and resentment at the other person for exploiting my trust and good intentions.

I felt exactly as hurt and demoralized as I had at the time. I spent too much of an otherwise nice day like this.

You’ve experienced your own version of this scenario, right? As humans, we’re blessed with the ability to remember meaningful experiences from the past, reflect on them, and use them to inform our daily lives.

Unfortunately, our mind is fascinated by past trauma, and it uses those same abilities to relive our lowlight reel of Big Screw Ups, embarrassments, injuries, and affronts, blow by blow.

And I do mean reliving them, because our mind and body aren’t good at distinguishing fantasy from reality.

When we descend, out of control, into the most haunting chapters of our lives, we’re not only stressing ourselves out, wasting mental bandwidth, and branding our present-moment life with an emotional experience from another time.

We’re retraumatizing ourselves, and nurturing negativity about ourselves—and others, probably.  

So, what gives? Why do we do this to ourselves? And how do we stop it?

Well, let me manage your expectations up front. If you have a human brain, you’re probably not going to stop rehashing the past entirely. But we can do it less often and less intensely, and suffer about it less.

Here are five steps for regaining control of a wild, ruminating mind and putting it back to work for you.

Step 1: Calm your anxious mind

As I’ll cover in the next step, we ruminate to learn something. But what are we learning from the 1,264th replay of embarrassing ourselves at the company holiday party, that we haven’t learned by the 2nd or 3rd replay?

We have to stop this cycle to start feeling better, but we have to do it wisely.

We could think happy thoughts, ignore our thoughts and feelings, or numb ourselves to them with substances or ice cream.

But those are ways we kick the can down the road, feeling better in the short run, perhaps, but guaranteeing that we’ll suffer again another day.

If we want to feel better in the long run, and take anything good away from our experience, we have to be willing to turn toward our wild mind and see what it’s doing.

But wait, there’s more! It so happens that the same approach can help you feel better right now, too.

What I’m describing is the practice of mindfulness meditation. You can find a ton of my articles and videos about mindfulness here (and start practicing it here).

In a nutshell, mindfulness meditation is a way to become more aware of our experience of life, including our thoughts and feelings.

When we do it, our mind tends to calm down without us even trying. (In fact, contrary to what you may have heard, mindfulness meditation isn’t about trying to stop thinking, at all.)

With just a little practice, we begin to see that our wild mind is creating a fantasyland, separate from our current reality (and a pretty un-fun one, at that).

Seeing that firsthand in your meditation takes some of the power out of our obsessive thoughts, and opens up a little gap between them and us. In that gap, we can choose how best to respond to what we find.

Step 2: Appreciate why your mind returns to painful memories

Staring at the ceiling at 3:00 a.m., replaying that shouting match with your significant other, may seem pointless.

But rest assured, whether it’s scratching your nose or ruminating, your mind and body don’t do anything without a good reason.

Scratching relieves an itch. Rumination does a couple of things.

For one, remember how I said earlier that the mind and body tend to confuse imagination and reality? That can work to our benefit, too. Professional basketball players who visualize themselves shooting baskets over and over are more accurate in real games.

When you fantasize about what you could have done differently, that’s the wisest part of you trying to work out how to play better next time.

For another, rumination is like an immune response, directing our attention to something that is calling for it—a vulnerability underneath the distress. A new or freshly reopened wound, perhaps, or an insecurity or uncertainty.

Our regret, guilt, or shame aren’t invaders that need to be put down. They’re friendly accountability partners, tapping us on the shoulder to remind us of important work to be done.

In that spirit, try greeting your obsessive thoughts and feelings with appreciation.

Here’s a method you can try. As soon as you notice that you’ve been ruminating (your mindfulness practice will help you notice), say to yourself:

“Ah, I see you returning to [the event]. I know there’s some [pain, uncertainty, regret, etc.] to be worked through there. Thank you for showing me. You can rest now, because I’m working on it.”

Repeat as needed, and see if being gentler with yourself helps soothe and settle your mind even more.

Step 3: Gain insight from your difficulties

The technique I just gave you wasn’t a Get Out of Jail Free card! You have to actually do the work you’re promising, or you’ll keep getting tapped on the shoulder.

What is that work, exactly? It depends on what your obsessive thoughts are trying to clue you in to.

So, relax and give yourself the quiet time to drop a layer or two below the surface.

Beneath the narrative of the past event. Beneath the distressing emotions and physical sensations it engenders. Beneath the million fantasies that keep spinning away from it.

Keep coming back, to find the source of it all.

Ask yourself, what is the vulnerability that’s giving rise to these thoughts and feelings? What remnant of the event feels like it doesn’t belong? What feels like it should be there, but is missing?

Sometimes journaling, or even talking it out—out loud, even if you’re alone—can help you find these answers.

(A personal development coach or therapist depending on your situation, can help you go even further, and make connections that you can’t see from where you are.)

For example, if you can’t get over the thoughts of a betrayal you suffered, that’s an issue of trust. It may affect how vulnerable you feel like being, at least in certain situations.

If your mind keeps returning to an embarrassment, what was the insecurity it touched, or the negative belief about yourself that it proved (or the positive one it disproved)?

Was it that people won’t like you unless you act a certain way? Or maybe that you’ll lose everything if you make a mistake?

Step 4: Set goals for personal growth and healing

Now that you’ve identified the source, set a goal for the coming week to do something to take care of yourself in a corresponding way.

(One activity per week should be your minimum; doing more of them will get you better results, faster.)

For instance, after embarrassment, spending time doing things you’re good at—even admired for—could soothe a bruised ego.

To work your way from wounded, self-protection mode back to trust, you could try confiding what you’re going through to a safe, longtime friend. If you’re already doing that, you could surprise them by sharing something they still don’t know about you.

Or, a different approach to the same vulnerability might be better for you. Maybe you experiment with boundaries by sharing less than normal with a new acquaintance.

Your goals will be unique to you, so feel free to be creative.

Step 5: Stay open to new information

A while back, I provided some pointers on how to avoid creating regret for yourself. One of them is applicable here, too: remaining open to new information and feedback.

Our mind loves comparing things, and information is the raw material it uses to do it. Not all information is created equal, however.

When we’re kicking ourselves about something, our mind our mind compares memories (stale information) to an alternate-universe present (made-up information).

That’s not apples and oranges—it’s zebras and iPhones.

No wonder it’s so anxiety-provoking, right? We aren’t standing on solid ground. But don’t worry: terra firma, in the form of your present-moment reality, is just a split second and a slight shift away. You just need to your mindful perspective.

You’ll also need to be brave.

See, when we’re moving through difficult times—and if you’re ruminating about something, you’re still moving through it, no matter how many calendars ago it happened—it’s human nature to stick our head in the sand and hope for a miracle. (Scientists actually call this the Ostrich Problem.)

It can be especially tempting when we’ve made a little progress and start to feel like we’re in the clear. 

The price of going ostrich, though, is that you miss the feedback you need to adjust your strategy. Also, the joy of making progress is what inspires us to keep moving, so you risk losing motivation, stalling out, and even backtracking.

Instead, keep your head up, and keep feeding your mind nice, fresh information about how things are going.

If you’ve been ruminating some more, explore it, be kind with yourself, and take some wise action.

See what kind of progress you’re making, and make sure you always have some short-term goals in front of you that correspond with the vulnerabilities you found. You’re healing them now and using them to grow.

If you liked this article, you may appreciate its companion piece, with a few pointers for how to avoid doing things you end up regretting.

ALSO, if your mind is racing with thoughts about something that went wrong recently, you should check out my FREE Setback Survival Pack download.

It’s a video and PDF guide, complete with mind, body, and written exercises to help you calm your mind down, move past unhelpful thoughts—and get some rest! Just click here and you can start feeling better in minutes!